I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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