My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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