My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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