...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
