This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I AM VODKA MAN
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
