I met the friendliest cop last night
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I would fuck him just for his dog
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
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