my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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