i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
