I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
