he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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