Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
do herpes really smell.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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