whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
