I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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