Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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