he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
