and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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