Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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