After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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