You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
