If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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