sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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