Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
