Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
