I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
