i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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