keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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