White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Randomize
