I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
