Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
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