If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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