he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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