I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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