You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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