Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
