Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
dude i'm inner monologue high
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
