Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
