yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
