I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Randomize
