That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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