I love having hate sex.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
