Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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