I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
