Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
