The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
