I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I want to be your penis for a week.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
