I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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