I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You left your phone here
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