do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
