lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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