The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Randomize
