guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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