I swear she didn't look like that last week.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
