Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize