What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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