I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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