she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
