if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
