My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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