Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
