im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
